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I know, I know. I suck at keeping to a writing schedule. It’s not because there aren’t a million possibilities in the air but it’s because there a million possibilities that are up. in. the. air. I hate to be dramatic with the period after each word but surely you know that I have flair for the dramatics by now.

So what has been happening and not happening? Well, as you may or may not recall I was asked to bring a few of my cheesecakes to a local hotel for a tasting. The chef was pleasant and I believed him when he said he’d get back to me. Apparently, I didn’t notice him slipping a few crickets into my purse on the way out. I catered an Indian food themed party with the talented Swati (the lovely pics in this post) earlier in the month. I went on a job for Jennie Cooks Catering (did I mention that I’m occasionally working for her? My assignment was to set up a breakfast buffet and make omelets for a commercial shoot. I was at work by 4am and done by 8:30 which was a freedom I never knew existed!  Bone tired, but free to run errands and do laundry and ok, watch a little Little House on the Prairie and Dr. Quinn. There was a cooking club meeting last week – and in my usual fashion I downplayed all the fun I was having and terror I felt because I apparently have a problem with talking about the things that I want. I went to an amazing Pamela Salzman cooking class. And as usual was blown away by the healthful way in which she prepares such complex flavors and the simplicity in which she explains it all. Yum! She was also gracious enough to pass on a couple referrals of people wanting meal delivery which led to me having my first client. And the last thing that is going on is that I’ve applied to be an intern at Chef Eric’s Culinary Classroom. I can’t think of a better way to hone my skills and to keep my eye focused on the prize. Which is the root of my problem…

What is the prize???? What am I working towards? I still don’t really know. I don’t really enjoy catering parties. That’s not true, I enjoy it, but I’m just starting out which means that I’m doing everything. From getting and setting menus with clients, shopping, cooking and plating (this part I love), schmoozing with them while I cook, serving them and then washing dishes and asking for payment. This is all part of catering and pretty standard stuff but I’ve been an employee since I’ve been working and the mental shift that comes with working for yourself is not happening very easily for me. I worry that in my quest to learn and improve my lack of confidence is so prominent in my brain that it makes me too deferential to others and I fear that I’m not coming across as strong as I feel.

When I take a step back and reasonably consider what I’ve accomplished in four (almost five) months, I know that I’m a fool and that I should be pretty darn pleased. But that’s not how I’m wired. And as with any renovation every time I tackle one problem, I uncover another. This blog is such great therapy because sometimes I don’t know what is going on in my head until I write it. In re-reading the last paragraph its clear that I need to work on my self esteem and confidence. I’m trying. I swear I’m trying and I’m better but not completely healed. And that’s ok. Knowing what’s wrong is half the battle – thus, the renovation.